Thursday, January 31, 2008

What am I afraid of?

Husband has been doing quite a bit of traveling for work lately - far more than he has ever done in the past (almost) 5 years that he's had this job. (He's also finished traveling for now.) It started after Thanksgiving when some other employee quit, and instead of hiring someone new, the clients decided that Husband will take over parts of her duties. (Cause he doesn't have enough to do already! The man is seriously overworked, in my opinion, but that's a whole other post.)

This woman's duties included learning some new software and then traveling around training operators on how to use the software. First, Husband had to travel to the training center, and now is being sent all over the state to train new people. So, he lives the "high life" (lonely) on the road - hotels, food, mileage on a rental car instead his own, but the kids & I are at home attempting life as usual.

Aside from the obvious (I am doing EVERYthing for the house & the kids), I truly HATE it when he travels. Unfortunately, I have also been not-so-nice to him about it either. It's not his fault, but he's a horrible conversationalist over the phone, and I hate the fact that I'm not really talking to him or able to hug him either. Therefore, instead of logically discussing it with him, I just argue with him instead. Cause I'm mature like that.

I figured my funk had more to do with being spread too thin & overstressed.... but if I am being honest with myself it has nothing to do with that. Yes, life has royally stunk this past month, but it goes on. We've all adjusted, and in some ways I am interacting better with the kids than I was before. (and worse in others, but let's not get into that.)

No, instead my funk results from one of my greatest fears: that he will die suddenly, and the family of 3 will be permanent. I fear that this life with him traveling all the time is merely a training ground for me to realize that I would be okay with the kids, house, and job all by myself. Quite frankly, I would prefer to just learn the lesson and keep the husband, but that doesn't make the fear go away.

Nothing quite like laying yourself open on the Internet. :)
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